??

So... Exhausting... Controlling, whatever! Life is crazy n I don't think I am that much! So, I don't freaking wanna hear God? First I thought it was, but then I can't hear freaking anything, so I am just tired of all this, of trying to be good, trying to be freaking loved, when i am just not, and I end up doing all wrong! So, what's the purpose of my living God? Cause I ain't doing any good to anyone, ain't following your freaking path...
Where? When? What? How?
Just tired of wanting u! Of feeling u away! Of missing u! Of begging u to be here with me, and just being lonely...
What do u want from me? Just can't do this anymore....

back to the future

so... today is one of those days that you just wish you could go back and live the happiest moments all over again, even knowing that things not always ended up well (in the end you at least get hurt missing them a lot) you just wanna go back, and choose all over again, and just choose the same. It is very hard to focus on the present, while the future is totally unknown (nothing to expect) and the present is just a whole bunch of memories from the past... come on!!!!!!!!!! think on right now! life is good, why do I keep trying to be sad? gotta think of the past as a precious gift, and when I do, I see God has been so good to me, that my future has to keep being good, cause He is in charge (thank God He is). So... lets learn not to look back as a burden of missing, cause there's no going back, but as a precious gift by itself... and i had so many :))
And the future? God knows I never expected any of the things He had for me, and they were good, so... He is my Daddy, and future has to be good, so, what do I have left? present! grrrr... so hard to focus on this... feels like lots of dead ends, but as Rick Warren says, that means i am closer to success. Let's keep trying.............
xoxo
trier of the lonely road
"The more new things I try, the more deadends I hit. but I also increase my odds of succeeding. Failure is the path to success" Rick Warren

Dear God,

So… I am getting tired of not listening… What am I doing? I wanna follow God’s will to my life, but I am getting to a point where I am my patience on waiting is almost gone, I don’t know if I am angry or sad about it, am I deaf or I just don’t want to listen? Am I in the right place? Right choices? I am tired of shooting in the dark, is shooting in the dark what Lord wants me to do? Sounds really weird, but I am getting to a point where I don’t think I can even do anything He would’ve want me to. So, why can’t I be steady on your will, be able to do any good, be able help people, love people, follow your words! They just seem farther every day that goes by, harder to keep up with… I am sure I must have a reason to be alive still, and I wanna do whatever You want me to, so please, this is a cry for help. I can’t go back to my unknown area, because one I’ve known the truth, I can’t go back, and I don’t know if I would’ve do it anyways, it’s just hard to live by it, it’s hard to feel away… it’s hard to be tired… I miss you… and this is my cry………..

red pill

I guess we spend life trying to figure whatever... whatever we want to do / whatever we are supposed to do. Is that what God wants us to do? so... if it is, will it be just pleasure to do it all the time? I don't know, i might be wrong, but my guess would be no. I have this feeling I took the red pill of matrix, and got to a place where i felt weak, I didn't wanna know reality, cause I couldn't change any of it, but I had no choice anymore. So... it was easy to live life pretending i got the blue pill, but inside is just missing something. What to do when you pretended for so long and you don't know what to do or want anymore? I wonder if God just wants me continue trying and finding out what I don't wanna do or i might be really deaf... both not very exciting...

"What has been our role in life? Most of us are living each others roles. We should know that or we assume our own roles, or we will be living highly frustrated, carrying in our hearts pains that are dispensable"
(RATNova - marriage)

and I do want to live mine...

Fairy Tales Truth

Sometimes commitment just makes you feel weirdly not known. So you commit to God, you accept all the good He brought you, and believe me, it is very good, but then all the sudden you realize how lame you are, and how you will never be up to the perfect Jesus “expectations”. Ok, we seek to be like Him, but let’s face it, will never be like Him, and sometimes it’s truly hard to believe He can be it through me. Looks like I always have to find something to complain, and now what? The goodness of God, by willing to take His own son down to save me is not the most smart thing, cause I don’t seem to have a way out… sometimes just looks it you be easier to have a punishment for the things we’ve done wrong, and then we would look back and see all that as a solved matter! As if….
At least could wish for…